Why Should I

Yesterday, I was sitting with my friends in Health class, even though its not my class, and a man came in to talk about himself. I though he seemed strong and wise. a leather jacket, he walked as though he thought that he was cool, like everything was cool around him. Was I wrong? You decide. He told us that he was a police officer, and that his life is fucked up. He talked about how he was beat as a child, by his father and teachers, how, to avoid being beat by avoiding school and home. He talked about how, as his dad would walk through the back door, and he would walk out the front. He talked as a man who had accepted his fate. He was sitting with his chair backwards, comfortable in his discomfort. He talked about how he gave the wrong answers consciously, to resist. He talked about starting to smoke, to prove to his parents and his friends and his teachers and himself and the whole world that he could do what he wanted.


While I was watching and hearing and feeling his life, I said to myself, "Wow, this world is seriously fucked up, man." He also talked about how is sisters were treated like royalty, and how they had been top students. He explained that he was a police officer because, since when he was a child he had no control, he wanted not only to control himself, but everybody else. He talked about how he isn't afraid of having a gun pointed at him, but afriad of himself.


This man was born and raised here in my home town, Ithaca. Beautiful Ithaca. So basically, this could happen to anyone. What protects us. If we get messed up, there is nothing we can do. This is cour only life, you don't get another chance. So what if someone else fucks it up. You don't have insurance on your mind, so you're just stuck with it.


I don't want that to happen to me. I'm scared of that. I don't want to have panic attacks, where for three minutes, I think that I am going to die.


Right now, I am wearing a green Under Armor shirt that is too small for me. And jeans. No socks. I need a haircut soon, but maybe its cool like it is. I am listening t Aesop Rock, which I just bought from iTunes with someone else's money. Its 2:21, and all I have done is watch Seven Samuris. Wow, its vacation. So, what now.

Whatever...

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